Unilateral surrender

Many years ago, a friend (hi Rene) told me about a colleague he had: there was a big personality clash between them, and it was a problem for him.

He wanted to talk to her, and what he did was write down a list of bad points she had that he would wish she would change. And he wrote down a list of her good points also, to balance it.

Then for some reason he decided to just throw out the list of bad points, and he read her the list of her good points.

He told me that she totally changed after that. Even her voice changed.

I think the pure application of forgiveness is total unilateral surrender. You completely give up attack, and you don't hinge it in the least on whether the other party changes or takes responsibility. You accept that there is a chance that you might "lose" the war because you give it up. Of course what usually happens is that the war goes away, not that you lose it.